Raising a Special Needs Child

If you asked me the thoughts I had about raising a special needs child back when I first began this journey I was on...I would have said these things: I can't do it, I want my life back. Why did this happen to ME? Why God? Why me? My mom left me when I was a kid...what if I make the same mistake she did? He deserves someone who'll take care of him and never leave him. I'M NOT STRONG ENOUGH FOR THAT. Why does everyone else get to have a 'normal' child and I don't? What did I do WRONG to deserve this? Please God...give me a miracle when I wake up and let him be okay. I can't stand watching him in pain. He doesn't deserve this. He didn't do anything wrong, he just started his life here. Please God...please let my baby live. I feel so sorry for him. What if he wonders why he's different? How can I tell him without hurting him when he's older? I have nurses in my home now all the time. I don't have any privacy. They're always in my business. I need to go to sleep but she's always calling out....Wow, now that I think about it, there are so MANY.
Well, if you asked me my thoughts now about raising a special needs child, I would like to say these things: It's the very BEST thing that ever happened to me. I wouldn't change it for the world. I am so GLAD that GOD chose me to take care of him while he lived his life here. He has taught me so much about life. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have known the people that I met through him...and I'm so glad that I made some really wonderful friends along the way. He loved life and I'm glad I have that memory for the rest of MY life and I think he knows now why he was put here. When he died, I asked "Why him, God?" I now know why he didn't take him from me years ago at birth....because he had a job here...and his job was finally done, so now it was time for him to go....he made ME who I am today and I will be grateful for the rest of my life. Yes I will miss him very much and yes sometimes I get selfish and want him back to give me more JOY but I realize that's all it is....selfishness...wanting more of him, but knowing he had a hard life (yet a HAPPY one)and he was suffering in the end....so now is my time to let go of losing him. He is telling me that because that's what I feel when I start thinking of him. Death of a loved one is not easy, especially when that someone was as joyful as Jared was...but you will have strength to live again. I do because of him. Thank you for reading. I'm glad I got that out now.